


looking at the stars (wishing you were them)

by prettyysetter



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Developing Relationship, Fix-It, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: s03e13 Mount Rushmore or Less
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 02:19:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17992985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettyysetter/pseuds/prettyysetter
Summary: " There were times when Tj wanted to grab his hand, wrap his arms around Cyrus and just listen to his voice as he talked about everything and nothing.But if he did, would people think he's weird? Different? Strange? "





	looking at the stars (wishing you were them)

**Author's Note:**

> s3e13 made me sad so i wrote a fix-it!

"So you'd rather do a costume with Cyrus rather than me? Okay, have fun with that."

The second Kira walks from him, Tj feels his heart sink. He wipes his palms on his shorts and the thump of his chest echos in his ears.

The way she had said it, like preffering Cyrus to Kira was weird and appalling to her keeps replaying in his mind.

Was it weird? Was it a bad thing to want to spend time with Cyrus? To be alone with him? To forget about anyone else and just do their own thing?

He drowns out the shortness of his breath with music as he walks, choosing to focus on the lyrics as opposed to anything. He arrives at home and goes straight to his room, collapsing onto his bed as soon as he possibly can.

He immediately wants to call Cyrus, tell him about how weird Kira was being, but his mind almost slaps him down.

What if everyone reacted to him and Cyrus that way?

There were times when Tj wanted to grab his hand, wrap his arms around Cyrus and just listen to his voice as he talked about everything and nothing.

But if he did, would people think he's weird? Different? Strange?

His eyes slip closed, trying to will himself to not cry as his hands start to shake.

He tries to stabilize himself by grabbing a fistful of his shirt, eyes getting tighter as his chest rising and falling at an almost alarming rate.

He doesn't know what's going on, he's never felt this short for breath, even when he's tired after a game he never feels this dizzy, this helpless, like gasping for air wasn't enough.

It ends. He doesn't quite know how long he was laying in a hazy state of confusion, but when he sits up he wipes his eyes, swallowing.

He stands wobbly, deciding to pretend he's okay, finding what he'd set as his outfit for costume day when he had the idea. He brushes his fingers across the Hawaiian shirt.

He can't. He just can't. He wants more than anything to walk with his arm around Cyrus refusing to explain what their costumes mean to their classmates.

But he just can't. He throws the shirt into his closet, calling Kira immediately.

"Kira," he confirms, and her response is immediate.

"Tj? How'd you get my number?"

"One of the girls on Buffy's team. Anyway, the costume idea you had..."

They talk for a while, but it doesn't feel effortless and comfortable like it does with Cyrus.

Kira is nice, in a way, and she's pretty based on what Tj sees other guys like in girls. But he just doesn't feel anything for her.

He didn't ask to have romantic feelings for Cyrus. He didn't ask for the sweaty palms and the spike in his heart rate whenever they hugged. He didn't want it, not if people were going to look at him weird simply for having a crush.

He and Kira plan to just write 'DRIBBLE' on two t-shirts and wear them tomorrow. It's simple and oddly lazy, but it's with a girl, so no one will think twice.

His finger hovers over the 'call' button on Cyrus's contact. He had to call. He had to. But he couldn't.

He imagines hearing the disapointment in Cyrus's voice, the possible sigh and strained words. He'd be polite, of course, saying it's okay despite being upset.

He doesn't call.

He eats dinner, makes his shirt, does his homework, all while he feels a blanket of guilt hanging over him.

It doesn't go away when he lays down to sleep. He checks the time, and it's too late for him to call Cyrus now, even if he was brave enough to do it.

He buries his face in his blanket trying so hard not cry, trying to hard not to show any kind weakness despite being alone.

He falls asleep eventually, hut his pillow is damp with tears of worry and his mind is twisted with desperation.

* * *

The disapointment in Cyrus's eyes are a million times worst than Tj could have imagined.

He thinks about it all day as Kira drags him around to show people their costume. She almost parades him, like he's just a vessel to match costumes with.

He sees Cyrus with his friends as Mount Rushmore, and it's cute, but he looks so sad and disconnected that Tj has to tear his eyes away.

He manages to separate himself from Kira and her incessant flirting as he searches the school for who he needed in that moment.

Jonah.

They weren't close, per say, they had just recently become actual friends, but he needs advice only Jonah could give him.

He finds him at his locker, digging through his books.

"Jonah, I have a question."

"Oh," Jonah smiles, "What's up?"

Tj makes sure his voice is quiet so no one else can hear, "I think I... Might have had a panic attack. Yesterday."

Jonah's eyes widen slightly, and he shuts his locker gently. "Yeah?"

Tj nods and they start to walk, slowly down the hallway. "Okay, so tell me what happened."

"I was laying down and suddenly I couldn't breathe, I was panting and I felt like I could start to sob honestly. It was weird though, it's never happened before!"

Jonah nods, "Yeah, that sounds like a panic attack to me. Sometimes, people get them regularly, like me, but people can get them when really stressed... Or scared." He glanced at Tj, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm hoping it's a one time thing."

Jonah pats him on the back, "Hope things work out, Tj. You just got to remember to breathe."

Tj smiles at him, but before Jonah leaves he asks, "Hey, have you talked to Cyrus today?"

Jonah's head tilts in almost a confused manner, "Not really? Why, is he okay?"

"I think I upset him."

Jonah snorts, "Well I think it's pretty hard for you to upset him, what happened?"

Tj explains quickly, leaving out the fact that he has feelings for Cyrus. Jonah listens and the bell rings for class, so his response can only be so long

"Listen Tj, I'll just say this, you need to apologize and I'm sure it'll be fine, but I also think you should be honest with him about why you didn't call. There's gotta be a reason."

Tj knows he's right.

After school he walks past the spoon to see if Cyrus is there- he wasn't, just Andi and Buffy talking to Amber.

He remembers the swing set, how Cyrus said he went there when he felt bad about himself, and Tj's chest tightens when he finally sees that he was right.

He once again made Cyrus feel bad enough to come and sit silently on the swing, kicking his legs at the ground.

Tj walks up slowly, leaning on the bars of the swing set, "Cyrus?"

His head snaps up, looking at him with apprehension, "You came..."

Tj's throat tightens, "Course I came," He says gently "I need to apologize."

Cyrus nods, looking back down the ground as Tj sits at the swing beside him.

"I've been having to apologize a lot, but I think it's been getting easier. God Cyrus, I'm sorry."

Cyrus almost smiles, he's always had to wrestle the apologies out of him, but as he looks at the boy beside him he notices that he's looking anywhere but his eyes.

"Tj?" He says softly

"I'm so sorry. I should've called, I should've just done our costume, I didn't wanna do a costume with Kira anyway!" He touches his pointer finger to his forehead in exasperation.

"Then...Why did you?" Cyrus asks.

"I'm a coward. I can't handle having feelings so I run like a child."

"Tj what are you talking about? You're one of the strongest people I know!"

Tj purses his lips together, focusing his eyes on a bench a few feet away "You're nice Cyrus. Too nice to me. I'm rude and selfish and I didn't call to cancel our matching costumes because of my own issues."

"What do you mean issues? Tj you're kind of scaring me.."

Tj rests his head in his hands, blinking back tears. _I will not cry in front of Cyrus, I will not, I will not_ , He repeats over and over until his head almost hurts.

"She said something, yesterday. About me being happier to do a costume with you than her. Her voice, the way her eyes looked when she said it," he swallows, "I realized she was right. I'd rather do a costume with you than her. I'd rather to anything with you than her."

Cyrus feels a spike in his heart rate but he stays quiet to allow him to speak.

"When she said that to me, it felt like she was saying, 'Youd rather be with a boy than a girl'? And I was so upset, so panicked, because she was right, but I didn't want her to be!"

Cyrus can almost understand, and Tj can tell when they make eye contact and the tallers eyes are glossed with tears.

"Cyrus I... I don't know how in the world to explain this, but when other guys talk about girls? I don't get it. Girls are pretty, I guess, but I just...I don't have the same thing. Reid used to talk about girls he found hot, and honestly, I found him more appealing than any girl he gawked about- course I don't like him at all anymore but you get what I mean."

"I do," Cyrus says, smiling at him and standing to be closer. Tj looks up at him and Cyrus takes his hand.

"My first crush was Jonah," he says, and Tj's jaw almost drops, "I thought I was weird for not liking girls, like there was something different about me. But there isn't. Buffy told me, 'Youve always been weird, but you're not different.'"

Cyrus rubs his thumb in comforting circular motions across Tj's knuckles as he continues to speak, "Tj, you are not messed up. Liking boys instead of girls doesn't make you any different than a guy who likes girls. You're not alone."

"So you're..." Tj trails off, subconsciously closing his hand around Cyrus's.

"Gay? Yes, and I've known for a while. And don't worry, I was going to tell you, I just was scared."

"Why? Did you think I'd hate you or something?"

Cyrus laughs, looking down at their hands with an almost nervous look. "I was able to come out to Jonah because I'm over my crush on him...but... I was scared because I still like you."

Tj's lips part and eyes widen, feeling his cheeks go warm, "No way. You can't tell me I've been so scared about having feelings for you and it wasn't unrequited?"

Cyrus smiles almost relieved, and squeezes his hand gently, "I do. I have for a while, I don't know when I realized though, maybe when you taught me somersaults?"

Tj stands, looking down at Cyrus before he very gently asks, "Can I...I dunno, give you a hug?"

Cyrus laughs again, "How do people think you're scary?"

They've hugged before, but as Cyrus rests his faces in Tj's shoulder and their arms lock around each other, it feels different.

Tj's hands settle around Cyrus's back, feeling the fabric of his shirt against his palms and his hair against his cheek.

"I'm sorry again, Cyrus. This isn't the way I wanted to confess to you."

Cyrus pulls back to look at him with pointed eyes, "It's okay, I forgive you, but I have to ask, what does this make us?"

Tj rests his hands on the others shoulders, smiling slightly "You mean, relationship wise? I like you, you like me but I don't wanna rush anything."

"Me neither. Take things slow, just enjoy each other for a while?"

Tj nods and they decide to go over to the spoon to maybe grab a milkshake, and after a few seconds of trying not to smile too much, Cyrus grabs his hand again.

They walk, hand in hand, and as they pass other people, no one blinks at them. Tj's confidence grows.

He texts Kira, later, thanking her for giving him courage to be real with the feelings he has for Cyrus; needless to say, she wasn't the happiest.

He couldn't find it in him to care, because Cyrus calls him, and they talk for hours, and instead of falling asleep worrying about being different, he's filled with butterflies and adoration.

He has fear, of course he does, but as he finally drifts into a peaceful sleep he realizes that he doesn't care; he'll be okay if Cyrus is by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are appreciated! mwah


End file.
